Monday, April 6, 2015

Pregnancy & Body Image Inner Dialogue #2: Growing Pains.

1. What? What? Have I overslept?  
2. Why am I awake at 2:46?  
3. Oof... oh, that's why.
4. Can anyone sleep through round ligament pain?
5. If I went back to sleep, I can't imagine the nightmares it could cause.
6. Don't think about Alien.  Don't think about Alien.
7. Too late.
8. Ugh, now I need to use the bathroom.
9. It took ages to find this comfortable sleeping position, though.
10. Could I just hold... no, no, bad idea, I know I need to go.
11. How many times will this be?
12. Four; it'll be four.
13. Remember, this is your body's way of preparing you for little sleep in the future.
14. You know, I'd really prefer my body just allow me to sleep all night while I still can.
15. Now back to the get-to-sleep gymnastics, I guess...
16. Woah, is that me in the mirror?
17. Did this baby decide to make itself even more visible overnight?
18. Ahem, hello in there, do you think you could get larger than my boobs by 7:30?
19. I'd be much obliged.
20. And I have to put nice clothes on Sunday.
21. So if you could just go ahead and lift yourself above my belly button by this weekend?  Y-yeah...

22. Because right now this is looking more kangaroo pouch than anything.
23. ... Aw, baby kangaroos in pouches.
24. Focus.
25. No, not on that freaky blue vein, on going back to bed.
26. Hmm, let's just see if I have any new stretch marks, though.
27. I could have sworn all that tugging would have resulted in fifty more, but still just the old ones.
28. What if I'd found new ones?
29. I probably wouldn't have been happy about it.
30. And truthfully, I'm not even sure why I'd be unhappy about it.
31. Again, it's not like I think they look bad on other people or aren't perfectly normal.
32. I think I've just seen... me... in the mirror for so long.
33. And this is me and someone else.
34. ... Figuratively and literally.
35. Not that I ever exactly came to terms with "me" in the first place, but I was used to it.
36. Sometimes I don't feel like I can fully accept my body as it is knowing that it will change.
37. If I could just know where I'd end up, at least...
38. Would that help, though?
39. And wouldn't that take away something from this experience?
40. Pregnancy is change.
41. Shouldn't each change be celebrated as a new milestone?
42. It's no wonder you change so quickly when there's a rapidly growing human being in there.
43. At least this ginormous maternity pillow helps out with the sway-back changes.
44. ... I wish it weren't quite so ginormous.
45. Prepare to witness some high-skill maneuvering as I manage to stay on one side of the bed.
46. ... Yeah, no, still a noob.
47. Sorry, Mr. Nerd, didn't mean to disturb you.
48. Ah, there we go.
49. This position isn't too bad.
50. Maybe I can even get back to sleep by 3:30.
51. Now, if my stomach would stop doing... what is that?
52. That doesn't even feel like my stoma...
53. Wait... 
54. Is that...?
55. OK, I'm actually shaking you so that you'll wake up now, Mr. Nerd.
57. ... oh, no...
58. ... making me need to pee again.

TACN's Note: These won't be every week, but getting my inner dialogues out is cathartic, and it's entertaining when I look back on them, so I hope they're at least somewhat enlightening and enjoyable! Now, some of these dialogues might not seem related to body image, but what I'm discovering through this process is that, at least for me, it's often difficult to separate the shock at sudden new changes, how your body feels, and how your body actually looks. When you're tired, or feel like your sides are being tugged in two directions at once, or your feet are aching, or you've developed varicose veins overnight, or you see something in the mirror that is legitimately different than what you saw three days ago, sometimes it's just hard to look at yourself and think, "I look great." If you're having difficulty saying it for yourself, here you go:

You--yes, you--look great.

1 comment:

  1. These are seriously amazing. They are enlightening and entertaining, just as you hoped. I also don't envy you that experience at all, but I'm glad it's going to be worth it for you.