Thesaurus Thursday: "Capricious."

Today's word is "capricious," an adjective meaning "given to sudden changes of mood or behavior."

Some might see the sporadic Thesaurus Thursday posts as evidence of this blogger's capricious nature; she might even get up to make coffee and forget in the middle of a post that she 

If I Should Ever Have a Son.

The other day, after scrolling through Facebook and various other blogs and online articles and reading some horrifyingly misogynist comments, I had the rather daunting realization that if I ever have a son, I will be at least in part responsible for many of his attitudes about girls and women.  The following is what I would want him to know.  

Dear Son,

You're coming into the world with an advantage.  It's an unfair advantage, and it's simply that you are a man.  People will pay you more for your work.  People outside of school and work (and sometimes even at school and work) will be less likely to comment on your choice of clothing. They will be more inclined to treat your anger, sadness, or joy as valid and not as the result of a hormonal mood swing. Some will even tell you that as a man, you are entitled to authority.  As a man, you aren't.  You will encounter your own set of problems and challenges in life, but please listen to me when I say that they are separate from the overwhelming systematic sexism that women face every day.

Being born into such privilege as described above shouldn't make you feel guilty--everyone knows that you didn't come into the world thinking you deserve more than anyone else--but not recognizing it or making any effort to change the prevailing mentality... well, that should.  I hope you will earn most of your achievements and rewards by working hard and respecting those around you.  Some good fortune might fall into your lap because you are lucky or because you possess innate talent.  That's great.  But again, you wouldn't deserve it because you're a man. You wouldn't deserve bad luck because of that, either, and I never want you to think that men should "atone" for misogyny by groveling, worshipping, being downtrodden, or experiencing hatred and discrimination themselves. That's misandry and not any better than misogyny.

I want you to grow up understanding that you should respect everyone.  I also want you to understand that this does not mean you should be blind to any of their differences.  Human beings are diverse creatures.  Why should we pretend otherwise?  Celebrate it.  Marvel at variety. And when I say appreciate everyone, I include women.  This might be a more difficult one for you. Not because I don't believe you're capable of treating women with respect, but because you will be surrounded by subtle... and sometimes not so subtle... implications that women are beneath you or indebted to you.  Women don't have to act a certain way for you.  They don't have to cater to you.  Nothing you do, nothing you are, will ever merit a woman altering her appearance or sleeping with you.   Treating a woman nicely or lavishly does not earn you a place in her heart, home or bed.  On the other side of the coin, if you've had a pleasant dinner with a woman and she pays for it, you don't owe her anything more than a sincere "thank you," either.  My hope is that you'll be the type of person who might, on another occasion, treat her in kind and pay for the next meal, but that isn't a requirement.

All women will differ from individual to individual. You might find that you develop preferences. You might like girls who play sports.  You might find yourself drawn to blue eyes.  These preferences do not devalue the women who don't meet them.  If you meet women without stretch marks or cellulite, it isn't a sign that they are somehow better than other women. I will say that while marks and such shouldn't be considered flaws--the overwhelming majority of women of all shapes and sizes have them--you aren't required to find them sexy or appealing, just as a woman isn't required to find innocuous parts of your body sexy or appealing.  If you do, that's not a problem.  But they never merit disgust or teasing or even remarking upon if you don't.  How you would feel if a girl constantly told you how much better you'd look if you had less knobbly knees or shorter toes?  I suspect you'd try to avoid such an unpleasant person.  I wouldn't want that for you.

Finally, let me get this out of the way before the end: Puberty.  It happens.  For girls, this usually means breasts, periods, and raging hormones.  For boys, this usually means voice changes, facial hair, and raging hormones. Note that I said "raging hormones" twice; it isn't just you.  Never make someone feel embarrassed or ashamed of simply growing up.  I trust that you and other boys and girls are capable of communicating if and when you are all right with looking or touching. With that said, it's wrong for girls to make you feel uncomfortable by laughing at your voice cracking or touching you without permission.  It's wrong for you to make them uncomfortable by staring at their bodies or teasing them when they get their periods or touching them without permission.  You all might do these things without thinking sometimes; the main thing to remember is when you notice that you're doing it and it's making others seem uncomfortable, stop. And of course, if they ask you to stop, stop.  Please also remember that silence is never an invitation.  Oh, and by the way, you don't have to go around talking about periods, but they aren't "gross" or "freakish."  They allowed you to be here in the first place.

It's true that as your mother, I will probably hold you in higher esteem than others.  But I will not value you any more highly because you're my son rather than my daughter.

I love you,
Mom

Quick Update!

Hi everyone!  I just wanted to check in with all Absurd Curvy Nerd readers.  With a busy summer schedule, I haven't been able to post as much as I'd like here.  I have a lengthier post on reserve that I've been tweaking and trying to shorten, and it should be up in the next couple weeks.  After that, I'll be resuming a more frequent posting schedule.

<3

Thesaurus Thursday: "Capitulate."

Happy almost-weekend everyone!  Today's word is "capitulate," a verb meaning "to give in, yield, or cede."

I told myself that I wouldn't buy any more bras this summer, but when someone asked if I would like one that didn't fit her, I capitulated to the urge to buy it and am now anxiously awaiting its arrival.

... These things just happen, you know?

The Trouble With Strapless. (A Rant.)

I understand that clear bra straps aren't truly invisible, but what I didn't expect to find when I Googled them, hoping to find pictures of them actually worn with clothing (seriously, are there any?), were lengthy message boards about the "ugliness" and "unacceptability" of bra straps showing, period.  I'm tired of the stigma.

Image from lanebryant.com

Nope, Lane Bryant, this isn't a picture of 

"clear bra straps under a dress."

I understand that there are a variety of strapless bras available in the full-bust market.  But even if they work very well for some women, others still won't be able to get much lift or a very good shape from them.  Some women will not have the time to find one that really works if they have to go to an event.  Some women are hesitant to spend so much money on an undergarment they might only wear once (strapless bras are usually more expensive for the full-busted).  And I'm tired of being told, "But they make strapless bras in your size!" as if their mere existence means that I can wear them without any problem.

Because darn it, I really do need the straps.  Bust room is usually provided in a certain area, waistlines are assumed to be here, armholes are just here, and if your chest doesn't remain within certain limits, a garment might not fit right.  For me, even though many come in my size range, I've never had a strapless bra keep me within those limits.*

<--Provided bust room

<--Where bust sits in strapless bra

 

... Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

Image from target.com

On these snarky message boards about bra straps showing, I'd often read, "That is just so tacky!" And on more than one occasion, this sentiment was followed by, "I'd suggest an adhesive bra if you have to wear something more revealing."  Perhaps all of this just caught me in a bad mood, but it royally ticked me off.  I couldn't help but think that if I currently have trouble finding decent strapless bras at a fairly common full-bust size, imagine how women with larger breasts must feel when confronted with this sort of "advice."  Basically, what I see when I read this type of comment is: Choose to wear things that cover your bra straps, or I'll judge you and talk about you behind your back.  And if you have to wear a particular style for a party/formal/wedding/etc., you can get something with inadequate support/poor shape and likely feel less attractive in it than your less-busty companions.  (Oh, and by the way, I'll probably judge you for the way your breasts look in it, too.) 

And let me tell you about my last adventure with an adhesive bra.  I was 18 and going to prom, and because I wanted to fit in--I'm not saying this was a good or mature choice--I just had to get the cute low-backed spaghetti-strap dress.  I ended up with a Nu-Bra and a good four, maybe five feet of duct tape trying to get it to hold me up and make everything look halfway decent.  I was hot and uncomfortable, and whenever my date (Mr. Nerd. Yes, he remembers this.) would bump into me, there was a dull, hollow thudding sound like rapping on cardboard box. Also, taking that sucker off hurt.  

Seeing how some people make clothes out of it nowadays,

I should have just made an entire dress out of the stuff.

I do adhere to situation-specific guidelines.  I don't wear a strappy top to someone's family event if I know the family is on the more conservative side.  I try to be respectful of any cultural observations. But I'm not OK with discounting an entire subset of clothing because someone is going to get into a tizzy over visible bra straps.  I think that attitude is, well, tacky.  And adhesive bras are great for some people.  But just as I wouldn't go around saying, "Taking supplements is tacky!  I'd suggest changing your diet," to all and sundry**, please, please don't go around recommending them as as cure-all for people's strapless ailments.  

They're not.  Trust me. 

*Except the strapless basque under my wedding dress, which had to be altered along with my dress, which was a custom item itself.  But I'm not willing to do that every time, for obvious reasons.

**"Well, if your child just has to be anemic, then I'd suggest more spinach." 

Thesaurus Thursday: "Nictate."

Today's word is "nictate," a verb meaning, "to blink."  I couldn't think of a good sentence, so I decided to post this on Friday the 13th...

Don't nictate.

(I really am quite sorry about this.)

Your Body Can't Be Reduced to Statistics.

Sometimes I look at the search queries that lead to my blog just for kicks.

an ark with most busty women
... Are most busty women in an ark?  Are the most busty among them in an ark?  The ark is a lie.

bulky busty nude boobs blogspot
... It's oddly specific but somehow still vague.

nerd boobs
... I think I mentioned on Facebook that my boobs have an honorary Ph.D. in Awesomeness.

fashionablygeek.com

Not even remotely close to my size, but... but... 

curvy woman. stocking. youtube.
... blogspot.  youtube.  different.

young firm busty eee woman
... I am very disturbed by this. "EEE" isn't a bra size.

actress boobs bra py
...  Py... thons?  Py... lons?  Py... ramids?

Maybe?

busty and don't know it
... You... don't?

busty christian women
... We do, in fact, exist.  We're also a group of people, not a fetish.

tessmunster.tumblr.com/

<3 Tess Munster.

But my main search term isn't one of these ridiculous queries which I suspect are hastily typed in search of websites quite different from my blog.

It's average size of a woman.

This depresses me, because I can guess what many of these people are trying to find.  I imagine there are legitimate reasons for looking this up, but I expect most often, they are trying to validate themselves.  People seem to balk at being called "average" in everyday life.  But being near the average in terms of weight/size seems to make many people feel... comfortable.  More secure.  And this bothers me.  If you are near the average weight for your height, and you feel good about your body, that's great.  That's not what I'm talking about.  It's when you feel good about it because you're near the average that a problem arises.  "Average" is just a statistical quantification.  By its very definition, 50% of people are below average and 50% of people are above average.  "Average" says nothing about the worth of someone's body.

Let's put aside the health trolls, the weight-loss supplement advertisements, the diet plans, and take a moment to stop focusing on "the norm" or "health" or "body ideals" and focus on how incredible it is to be unique.  Even the people who are near average in terms of weight have individual shapes, scars, freckles... the list goes on.   None of us, including identical siblings, is exactly alike.

You are the only person on Earth who looks like you.

And that is amazing.