Your Body Can't Be Reduced to Statistics.

Sometimes I look at the search queries that lead to my blog just for kicks.

an ark with most busty women
... Are most busty women in an ark?  Are the most busty among them in an ark?  The ark is a lie.

bulky busty nude boobs blogspot
... It's oddly specific but somehow still vague.

nerd boobs
... I think I mentioned on Facebook that my boobs have an honorary Ph.D. in Awesomeness.

fashionablygeek.com

Not even remotely close to my size, but... but... 

curvy woman. stocking. youtube.
... blogspot.  youtube.  different.

young firm busty eee woman
... I am very disturbed by this. "EEE" isn't a bra size.

actress boobs bra py
...  Py... thons?  Py... lons?  Py... ramids?

Maybe?

busty and don't know it
... You... don't?

busty christian women
... We do, in fact, exist.  We're also a group of people, not a fetish.

tessmunster.tumblr.com/

<3 Tess Munster.

But my main search term isn't one of these ridiculous queries which I suspect are hastily typed in search of websites quite different from my blog.

It's average size of a woman.

This depresses me, because I can guess what many of these people are trying to find.  I imagine there are legitimate reasons for looking this up, but I expect most often, they are trying to validate themselves.  People seem to balk at being called "average" in everyday life.  But being near the average in terms of weight/size seems to make many people feel... comfortable.  More secure.  And this bothers me.  If you are near the average weight for your height, and you feel good about your body, that's great.  That's not what I'm talking about.  It's when you feel good about it because you're near the average that a problem arises.  "Average" is just a statistical quantification.  By its very definition, 50% of people are below average and 50% of people are above average.  "Average" says nothing about the worth of someone's body.

Let's put aside the health trolls, the weight-loss supplement advertisements, the diet plans, and take a moment to stop focusing on "the norm" or "health" or "body ideals" and focus on how incredible it is to be unique.  Even the people who are near average in terms of weight have individual shapes, scars, freckles... the list goes on.   None of us, including identical siblings, is exactly alike.

You are the only person on Earth who looks like you.

And that is amazing.

#DiversityInLingerie: We Need More Representative Samples.

This post is part of a larger movement of various bloggers using the hashtag #DiversityInLingerie.  See June's post on Braless in Brasil to get involved/see a list of everyone participating!

To say that I look like a typical lingerie model would be a stretch... I look like one minus a few inches in height, plus a few pounds, plus a handful of scars and stretchmarks and other features that the media would call "imperfections," but I just call "me."  But my skin color, age group, and body type are still much more ubiquitous in the lingerie industry than those of many other women.  I think this needs to change.

Of course there are women who are in the 18-30 range, white (but usually tan!), tall, and very slender, with ample chests, no blemishes, and no cellulite.  These women certainly have a place in magazines, trade shows, and on runways.  Their bodies are equally valid, equally beautiful, equally deserving of attention.  But they don't constitute a representative sample of all women, yet the lingerie industry uses these models for the vast majority of work and/or airbrushes women to look like they have all of the features listed above.  Why?  Do an image search for "lingerie model" (remember to set content filters for this if you need to!), and you'll find that if a woman doesn't meet all of the above criteria, she stands out.  Even in plus-size lingerie modeling, there is a "standard" look: smooth, unmarked skin and an hourglass shape.

There are companies that try to break out of the mould; Curvy Kate uses "regular" (re: who haven't modeled before) women to model their lingerie and doesn't airbrush away every lump and bump.  You! Lingerie used pregnant models at New York's Fashion Week.  There are far more non-white models out there than there were- though I'd love to see more.  But we still have quite a way to go before the industry is truly representative.  Do 50-year-olds not buy lingerie?  Do people in wheelchairs not buy lingerie?  Do people with c-section or surgery scars not buy lingerie (that actually shows their scars)?  Of course they do!  And guess what?  Using someone with any of these attributes to market lingerie will not make me- someone who fits the "mould" to some degree at least- hesitate to purchase it.

Dear lingerie industry:

I don't need to see lingerie on a certain type of figure to be convinced to buy it, even if it is nice to see figures like mine out there. I actually don't even need to see it on a model who "looks like me." I'm much more inclined to spend my money on lingerie when it is modeled by someone who looks comfortable and happy (and, with bras, preferably well-fitted!). Sex appeal can be used, but I associate it more with a mindset than a particular appearance, and I actually don't appreciate you guessing what I find "sexy" in order to sell me a pair of knickers*, because attraction is very individualized. I would love to see more lingerie models of different ages and body types, with any marks on their bodies, of different races/ethnic backgrounds, or with disabilities. I think you'll find that a lot of women agree with me.

Sincerely,

The Absurd Curvy Nerd

*"But it's what's sexy to men/significant others that drives sales!" doesn't hold with me either.  I haven't seen anyone really trying to use more variety and gauging its effectiveness.  Also, I know many, many people find their partners just as sexy with (if not because of) all their unique qualities and supposed "flaws."

I Want to Be Your Derivative*: Orchard Corset's CS-411.

After months of looking longingly at the selection of corsets on Orchard Corset's website, I sold a few clothing items and suddenly had a bit of extra spending money (isn't that an awesome feeling?).  I did a lot of research- apparently not quite enough, as you'll see later- and decided on a size 22 in a black pinstripe CS-411 style underbust corset.  

Ordering was easy, the free shipping (same day if you order by 6 PM EST) was a nice perk, and the package arrived only two days after I made the order. That was very impressive considering the estimated time of arrival was a week later.  In my haste to actually see the corset, I forgot to take a picture of how it came. It was neatly rolled up in tree-printed tissue paper with a sticker holding it together.  It also came with an order/return form, detailed instructions about how to put on, lace, wear, and care for your corset, two business cards with a discount code for a future purchase, and a nice touch- a signed customer appreciation card.  I never needed to contact them, but I have heard nothing but good things about their customer service, and the attention to detail alone was impressive.

The instructions were very thorough, but if you can't find some information,

you can often find it on their website or blog.

My first reaction upon unrolling the corset was panic.  It just looked so tiny.  I couldn't ever fit into that!  I breathed a bit easier when I realized that it came fully bi-directionally laced... and completely laced shut.  I already knew I would have to wear it with a gap in the back.  Phew!  The materials felt durable and the corset seemed sturdy and well-made.  If you're looking for a more in-depth review of the actual corset construction, there is an excellent one on Lucy's Corsetry.

I've had some trouble when lacing getting the modesty panel smooth and centered,

but I don't think I'd feel comfortable without it.

Despite wanting to put it on immediately, I made myself unlace it and follow the lacing directions so that I would know how to do it in the future.  Then I made myself carefully read the instructions sheet.  Then I put it on (albeit loosely, basically just resting on my waist- see picture below) and thought, "Huh.  I guess I overestimated how curvy my body is."  As you can see, the corset flared out and left gaps at the hips and at the underbust. The fact that this made me think there was something wrong with my body rather than shrugging it off as a garment simply not being right for me is a sad testament to the way women are conditioned to think about themselves.  So I want everyone to say it with me: clothes should fit you; you shouldn't fit the clothes.  

Keep in mind that in these pictures, the corset isn't paired with outfits,

just what I wear it with around the house. 

It turns out that the curve of this corset makes it more like a Level 3 in Orchard Corset's "silhouette level" system, even if it is labeled Level 2, and I probably should have read their blog post about that issue.  I had ordered assuming that it was made for moderate/enhanced Level 2 curves: while my hips at their fullest point measure about 10.5/11" more than my waist, my upper hip where a standard-length corset would sit is only 8" larger.  I wondered if I should send it back.  I knew that you should never over-tighten or pull in too much when breaking in a corset, so I decided to give it a chance and see what happened once it molded to my body and I could close it a bit further.  I wore it for about 1.5 hours a day for a week and then reassessed my original conclusions.  And boy, am I glad I did:

Yes, it's almost impossible to take a picture of your own back without a mirror.

Also, I guess I never notice how square and minimizing the Masquerade Rhea is from the side

because of the view from the top :-).  

I love it!  It certainly forces me to correct my posture, which is great, because my posture is dreadful.  There is indeed a slightly V-shaped gap in the back, but nothing very noticeable.   If you have larger hips than I do, it might be worth searching other sites that have corsets with gored hips or larger hip pockets.  Most of Orchard Corsets Level 3's- their curviest silhouette level- measure 10-11" (or 11-13" for longlines) more at the bottom edge than at the waist when completely shut.

There are a few other fit issues. I have an average-length torso, and my boobs are set low on my chest, so I suspect I don't have enough distance between bust and hips to accommodate a longline.  This one already pushes my bust up enough, in any case.  So this corset is -about- long enough but is still unfortunately just short enough to create a bit of upper back and lower tummy bulge.  I suspect this could be ameliorated with smoothing shapewear, and I've seen some suggestions to wear a bra with a thick band underneath as well. 

Although I haven't yet found one in my size, a longline like

Freya's Just Flew In would probably be ideal.  

Curvy Kate's Tease Me has worked best so far.

Again, I was tempted to blame my body for these (minor!) problems.  Why are my upper back and shoulders so broad?  Why is my stomach so weirdly shaped?  Why don't I have 0% body fat so that this can't happen?  Why don't I fit this corset perfectly?  This was crazy talk. Clothes should fit you; you shouldn't fit the clothes.  I don't buy a hat and then think that my head is somehow "wrong" if the hat squeezes my head but fits someone else just fine. I simply think we might have differently sized or shaped heads!  I shouldn't blame my body for not fitting into certain shirts, or pants, or dresses, or corsets either. 

If I ever have more opportunities to actually wear a corset, I can see investing in a custom-made overbust one.  Even though this is the only corset I've tried, I doubt that I could get a much better or perfect fit in an off-the-rack one.  And that's OK.  It doesn't mean that my body is bad or abnormal if it doesn't fit into OTR clothing, especially such a specialty item. While this one isn't perfect, it's still lovely, comfortable, well-made and wearable, and I would definitely recommend checking out Orchard Corset if you're in the market for an OTR corset.  

* ... What?  You mean women don't usually fall for pickup lines even if they're math-related?

If You Have Big Boobs, That Means You're A...

... woman with big boobs.  That's all.  Crazy how that works, isn't it?  Yet everyday I hear stories about women- young and old- getting called names, bullied, shamed, and even touched inappropriately just for having large busts.  I'll only say this once: breast size tells you nothing about a woman's personality or lifestyle.

I recently shared a story from my middle school days on my Facebook page (shameless plug: if you like my blog, go check it out!):

A group of my friends went to a lake house. We had planned to just hang out and perhaps make s'mores there, but a couple of us spontaneously decided to go swimming. Everyone jumped in the lake after them with their clothes on. I did too, without giving it a second thought. As soon as we got out, the mother of one of the boys (whom I'll call "Jane Doe") marched up to me, pulled me aside, and absolutely lit into me, saying that I was "giving these boys the wrong idea" and "this isn't a wet t-shirt contest." I was 13 and among some of my best friends. None of the other girls got this lecture from Jane. I was mortified. 

I was subsequently the only one wearing a one-piece (looked just like this!) at the end-of-year party.

A friend said I was "brave" for going against the grain.

I just thought, "Yeah.  That's what I was going for.  Brave.  

Not 'Cover myself in blue material and hope no one notices me.'"

Having done some growing up since then, I'd like to put down what I wish I would have had the maturity (and sarcasm) to say to Jane:

Dear Jane, 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but... (deep breath)... if your sons are ever out in public, they might end up looking at a girl with large breasts.  Oh, the shock!  The horror!  It's a pretty natural thing for a lot of boys, especially ones going through that wonderful time that is puberty, to do.  Most men do have a genetic predisposition to notice certain things about women, one of which I'm sure is breast size.  That's why you, the parent, teach them self-control.  You teach them that they shouldn't "get the wrong idea"* about a girl because she has a big chest.  You don't imply that there's something wrong with the girl for having it.

Singling me out from other girls at the lake- all of whom also had wet t-shirts at the time, I might add- was wrong.  It made me feel like a freak, which I wasn't.  I was a normal, shy, awkward girl with a larger-than-average chest for my age.  You were basically telling me that because of that chest, my body was relegated to pornographic material.  If you saw it like that, that was your problem and not a problem with my body.  You made me feel ashamed of my body when it's the only one I'm ever going to get.  Doesn't a 13-year-old usually have enough to feel insecure about?

I would say that I'm very sorry that my breasts offended you with their existence, but I'm not.  

Sincerely, 

The Absurd (Now Enjoying Being) Curvy Nerd

*I still think this is a really strange euphemism.  "I thought you were a Gemini," could be the wrong idea.

Women Aren't Required to be Your Idea of "Perfect."

We often hear about how fat shaming is horrible (it is) and how shaming naturally thin women is also horrible (it is).  What isn't addressed as often is the awful reality that we've rapidly become a culture in which no one seems to see a problem with judging women for merely having any type of body.  It isn't just a plus-size vs. model-thin issue.  It isn't just men doing the judging.   I think one problem is that people don't understand when it is and when it is not appropriate to bring up personal preferences, especially online. If you like shorter, muscular women, by all means, date/marry/live with/look at a shorter, muscular woman.  Tell that woman that you appreciate her height and her muscles.

Image from Dove.

Just remember: to compliment one of these women, you don't have to put the others down.

If you don't want to say something positive, you don't have to comment at all.

Posting the comment "I prefer shorter, more muscular women" on a picture of a woman who is tall and not muscular really only sends the message "I think all women need to be what I consider perfect in order to exist."  It doesn't contribute anything meaningful to the conversation, makes you sound just a tad conceited, and you don't gain anything by it, so why make that comment?  If your comeback is "because I can" or "I have the right to express my opinion," please go back and read why I'm tired of people using that as an excuse to be rude, cruel, or offensive.

Let's not pretend that it is only men who see women's bodies as objects to be scrutinized, either.  Women are doing it too.  Women can be even harsher on other women (I get the feeling that this is due to their own insecurities). A woman once asked me what size I wore to get an idea of what size jacket to buy her daughter-in-law.  When I told her that I wore a 2 in the jacket she was holding, but it did pull across the chest, she said, "I can see it might.  You don't look like a 2, though."  Then she proceeded to tell me all about how her own daughter was "petite and slender and wears a 4" and how I was probably wearing the wrong sizes and how bad it looks when people are "too big for their clothes."  I was so taken aback by this woman's need to comment on a stranger's body that I just blinked at her, shrugged and walked away.

Image from: disney.wikia.com.

"Too extremely proportioned"

"Weird small feet"

"Need less makeup."

We even judge imaginary women now.

A coworker later said that I "shouldn't complain about it, because I was so tiny and Jacket Lady probably meant that I looked smaller than a 2."  I was startled, firstly because I certainly hadn't intended to complain. I was laughing about it: Had I missed the memo reminding everyone about "National Judge Others by Arbitrary Numbers Day"?  In my closet, I have clothes in five different sizes!  Who on earth fits into one size in every store?!  Secondly, because shouldn't women of any size and shape be able to complain about complete strangers commenting on their appearance without being dismissed?!  The mere fact that another woman was shrugging it off made me incredibly sad and more than a little upset when I reflected on it.  I know that I do not fit everyone's definition of attractive/perfect.  Just because I might fit some people's definition doesn't mean I don't have insecurities, either.  We will never be everyone's ideal.  That's a given.  But it isn't necessary for all of the people who find us less than ideal to tell us that.  Yet somehow it is becoming more and more acceptable for them to do so.

How do we fight this phenomenon?  Well, we can start by not treating it as "to be expected" or "normal."  We can show some female solidarity and not do this to other women.  We can stop accepting the judgment of certain women's bodies if they "open themselves up to it" by wearing certain clothes or by simply being a public figure like many female celebrities.  It is never OK.  It is unacceptable.  And it boggles my mind that some people do not see how incredibly egotistical and awful it is to tell a woman that she is not their idea of perfect.

There is a Brain in the Body That You Need to Accept.

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.  I do think that all women should love their bodies.

But there are times when I really don't love my body.

Oddly, I can look at other women and see beauty in all of them, but when I look at myself in the mirror, the body acceptance that I try to espouse can often go flying right out the window.  I nitpick and self-criticize.  I find flaws.  

Most women are empathetic, until they find out that I often wear a size 2.  Then I'm no longer "allowed" to dislike my body and am just "whining." 

My family members sometimes do this.  Even Mr. Nerd occasionally does this.  It is an accepted practice in western culture- I can't speak for all- to say, "Oh, stop it! You're tiny!" as if being a certain size ought to make one happy for life.  Yes, we need to encourage women not to continuously find fault with themselves, but in trying to create a level playing ground for bodies of all shapes and sizes, is it fair to dismiss the body hangups of the size 00 and not those of a size 44?  I've always felt like my stomach is too large and my butt too flat; I wanted a breast reduction for years (before discovering properly fitting bras); I sometimes think my natural hair color doesn't only look mousy but is quite literally the color of a mouse.  

Mice are sort of cute, though.

I have a theory.*  My theory is that "body acceptance" should mean accepting all bodies and the feelings that come with those bodies.  We should accept the model's feeling that her legs are too skinny as just as valid as the hairdresser's feeling that her thighs are too big.  Then, and only then, can we present the idea that no, your legs are not too skinny, and your thighs are not too big, and you look amazing.

Who is going to listen to us say "All women are beautiful," if we don't first acknowledge that the feelings of inadequacy instilled by a looks-obsessed culture are real and detrimental emotions for all women?

So the next time you think about saying that a woman with larger hips is a "real" woman, remember that there are women with slender hips who might hear that and start disliking their bodies for not being "real."  When you feel like saying something like "Where are the curves?" when seeing a slender woman, remember that that woman might have hangups about her body that this might bring to the surface (and that curvy is a SHAPE not a SIZE!).  If you're about to say, "Now this is what a woman should look like," when seeing a certain woman, think of all the girls who might be trying to look like that woman but failing because they haven't got the same bone structure or musculature.  Remember that all women, regardless of shape or size, have feelings.**

We are all real women, we are all beautiful, and we need to act like it.

*Perhaps not scientific, as I don't know if it can be tested.

**OK, so not sociopaths, but you know what I mean.