Pregnancy & Body Image Inner Dialogue #2: Growing Pains.

1. What? What? Have I overslept?  
2. Why am I awake at 2:46?  
3. Oof... oh, that's why.
4. Can anyone sleep through round ligament pain?
5. If I went back to sleep, I can't imagine the nightmares it could cause.
6. Don't think about Alien.  Don't think about Alien.
7. Too late.
8. Ugh, now I need to use the bathroom.
9. It took ages to find this comfortable sleeping position, though.
10. Could I just hold... no, no, bad idea, I know I need to go.
11. How many times will this be?
12. Four; it'll be four.
13. Remember, this is your body's way of preparing you for little sleep in the future.
14. You know, I'd really prefer my body just allow me to sleep all night while I still can.
15. Now back to the get-to-sleep gymnastics, I guess...
16. Woah, is that me in the mirror?
17. Did this baby decide to make itself even more visible overnight?
18. Ahem, hello in there, do you think you could get larger than my boobs by 7:30?
19. I'd be much obliged.
20. And I have to put nice clothes on Sunday.
21. So if you could just go ahead and lift yourself above my belly button by this weekend?  Y-yeah...

22. Because right now this is looking more kangaroo pouch than anything.
23. ... Aw, baby kangaroos in pouches.
24. Focus.
25. No, not on that freaky blue vein, on going back to bed.
26. Hmm, let's just see if I have any new stretch marks, though.
27. I could have sworn all that tugging would have resulted in fifty more, but still just the old ones.
28. What if I'd found new ones?
29. I probably wouldn't have been happy about it.
30. And truthfully, I'm not even sure why I'd be unhappy about it.
31. Again, it's not like I think they look bad on other people or aren't perfectly normal.
32. I think I've just seen... me... in the mirror for so long.
33. And this is me and someone else.
34. ... Figuratively and literally.
35. Not that I ever exactly came to terms with "me" in the first place, but I was used to it.
36. Sometimes I don't feel like I can fully accept my body as it is knowing that it will change.
37. If I could just know where I'd end up, at least...
38. Would that help, though?
39. And wouldn't that take away something from this experience?
40. Pregnancy is change.
41. Shouldn't each change be celebrated as a new milestone?
42. It's no wonder you change so quickly when there's a rapidly growing human being in there.
43. At least this ginormous maternity pillow helps out with the sway-back changes.
44. ... I wish it weren't quite so ginormous.
45. Prepare to witness some high-skill maneuvering as I manage to stay on one side of the bed.
46. ... Yeah, no, still a noob.
47. Sorry, Mr. Nerd, didn't mean to disturb you.
48. Ah, there we go.
49. This position isn't too bad.
50. Maybe I can even get back to sleep by 3:30.
51. Now, if my stomach would stop doing... what is that?
52. That doesn't even feel like my stoma...
53. Wait... 
54. Is that...?
55. OK, I'm actually shaking you so that you'll wake up now, Mr. Nerd.
56. MR. NERD WAKE UP THE BABY IS...
57. ... oh, no...
58. ... making me need to pee again.



TACN's Note: These won't be every week, but getting my inner dialogues out is cathartic, and it's entertaining when I look back on them, so I hope they're at least somewhat enlightening and enjoyable! Now, some of these dialogues might not seem related to body image, but what I'm discovering through this process is that, at least for me, it's often difficult to separate the shock at sudden new changes, how your body feels, and how your body actually looks. When you're tired, or feel like your sides are being tugged in two directions at once, or your feet are aching, or you've developed varicose veins overnight, or you see something in the mirror that is legitimately different than what you saw three days ago, sometimes it's just hard to look at yourself and think, "I look great." If you're having difficulty saying it for yourself, here you go:

You--yes, you--look great.

Pregnancy & Body Image Inner Dialogue #1: Choosing a Maternity Swimsuit.

1. Dang, I think I could fit maybe 1/4 a boob in that boob... pouch... thing... there.
2. Those bottoms seem awfully narrow in the back for any sort of maternity suit.
3. If I bought a larger size, though, a bump would probably push them down.  
4. Saggy swimsuit bottoms are so annoying.
5. I know why the top is so long, but for a while that material is just going to bunch up.
6. ... Geez, apparently all pregnant women want tankinis.
7. Do most pregnant women want tankinis?
8. Do they actually want tankinis, or do they buy them because they're widely available?
9. Yes, I know they're good alternatives for people who would normally wear or want one-pieces.
10. Huh, there are some one pieces on here.  
11. That seam is not going under my bustline.
12. ... My collarbone doesn't need lift and support, thanks.
13. Could they at least make more maternity active suits?
14. Don't many doctors recommend swimming as a good form of exercise during pregnancy?
15. You'd think that would mean more options.
16. Let's look at full-bust brand tankinis and one piece suits.
17. And I thought too long would be frustrating... that top is going to ride up something awful.
18. This one won't allow for stomach growth if I get it in a size that would support my chest.
19. You know, really, wet material on my stomach does not sound like fun right now.
20. I'm only 16 weeks along, can I wear a bikini now? 
21. Will people stare at my wobbly belly when there's still so much early pregnancy bloating?
22. ... Actually, that makes wet material sound even worse.
23. Besides, a lot of pregnant women wear bikinis.
24. I've always thought pregnant women look awesome in them.
25. Do I look pregnant enough to wear one, though?
26. ... Well that attitude is sort of silly. 
27. Saying "When I look pregnant enough..." is like saying "When I lose enough weight..."
28. That time might never come, especially mentally speaking.
29. I mean, I don't think people need to lose weight to wear bikinis.
30. But what if I'm one of those people who develops a ton of varicose veins or stretch marks?
31. ... I've never thought people needed to cover those up either.
32. You know, I wouldn't think or say about others any of the things I think or say about myself.
33. I'd be appalled at anyone who thought this way about other people.
34. Why do I do it to myself?
35. I could buy a nice supportive bikini top.
36. It might get too small eventually, but it wouldn't have to keep up with my stomach AND boobs.
37. And my stomach wouldn't feel itchy with all the clinging.
38. And I'd likely actually swim, because I'd physically be more comfortable.
39. Sure, I might be somewhat self-conscious.
40. Because the truth is, there are people who judge others wearing swimsuits.
41. Often it's because they judge themselves so harshly.
42. That's kind of sad.
43. But whatever the reason, their judgment isn't my problem.
44. Other people's judgment is a reflection on them, not on me.
45. I think all bodies are bikini bodies.
46. ... So mine should be too, right?
47. Not just pre-pregnancy when I was slimmer.
48. Not whenever the bloating goes down.
49. Not when I'm sporting an obvious baby belly.
50. Not when I lose weight postpartum.
51. Not when I've gone to the gym enough to tone up after birth.
52. Right. Now.
53. -Add to cart. Add to cart.-
54. -Enter billing.  Enter shipping.-
55. And... done.  My body is now a bikini body.