Follow-Up On Pregnancy & Body Image Posts.

[Copied/pasted from the blog's Facebook page]

I wish to make something clear here, in case I haven't before: I think it's obvious that one's body changing rapidly can be overwhelming and can sometimes bring up insecurities.* However, if it were in any way truly debilitating to someone, I'd hope that she wouldn't hesitate to seek help. Also, strangers commenting in a negative way/tone isn't acceptable at any other time in one's life, so I don't think it should just be considered part-and-parcel of pregnancy.

BUT, with all that said, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I wouldn't trade my expanding belly for a flat stomach nor do I constantly long for my more defined waist or to fit back into my skinny jeans. In general, I do love my pregnant body and being pregnant. In fact, I've been extremely lucky in how smoothly everything has gone so far, and I feel blessed every day this baby continues to grow. My blog posts merely show how I mentally handle the insecure moments and resolve them. I think most people, pregnant or not, have those moments, and I think it's good to normalize them rather than create a fantasy world in which someone is 100% happy 100% of the time or always thinks about their circumstances in relation to those less fortunate.** As humans, we just aren't always capable of that, so it seems like a surefire way to develop feelings of guilt, failure, and shame.***

I actually personally don't mind when people congratulate or compliment me. It's that "negative tone" I dislike. For the most part, it's wonderful to me to witness how excited and giddy people can get over someone else's impending new arrival, and I often enjoy hearing their experiences. Just because I myself don't mind it, I still think it odd that strangers feel confident congratulating someone without confirming first; many women still look the same for a time postpartum, and I know that's already a difficult enough time for some without people asking when they're due, and I also know plenty of pregnant women would prefer to be left alone. What I do mind for myself and anyone else is when someone's words are obviously discomforting and nudging insecurities to the surface, but they continue anyway.

It simply isn't realistic for me to be happy with my body all the time, but how could I ever not appreciate it when it holds something so precious to me? Now, if only baby would decide to keep kicking while Mr. Nerd was actually in the room...

*I've struggled with body image issues and not seeing what other people see for a long time. At one point in my life it was taking a toll on my health, but nowadays I have a great support system and positive ways of coping (blogging has certainly been a free form of therapy to me), and I've never felt better and more capable of handling it. Of course pregnancy, which by its very nature is all about change, was going to throw something new into the mix. While the "moments" remain, it has, overall, in fact helped more than it has hindered, because I've started to view my body more in terms of its capabilities--the same way someone who starts running might start to appreciate her body for the athleticism it displays--than in terms of looks, and the looks in turn become more beautiful and fascinating to me. 

**Of course I wish everyone's trauma, sadness, and suffering would end, and of course I know that I am lucky for my health, the roof over my head, the food and water to which I have access, and my family and friends. This does not mean that we shouldn't think of people less fortunate than ourselves; only that we as human beings--rich or poor, sick or healthy--all have times when we are more inwardly than outwardly focused.  

***Even if you've finally gotten pregnant after two, five, or fifteen years of trying, it's perfectly normal to sometimes be hard on yourself or not to enjoy every. single. aspect of pregnancy. It does not mean that you aren't grateful to be pregnant or that you're unhappy about your baby. I also consider myself lucky that I've actively enjoyed so much of pregnancy thus far, because I know that's not always everyone's experience. 

Pregnancy & Body Image Inner Dialogue #3: Oh, the Comments... in Real Life.

*Lines all not in italics: said aloud by me. Lines in bold: said aloud by another person.*

1. Oh, right, you're speaking to me, the so obviously pregnant one.
2. Still not sure why you asked when the "baby girl" was arriving, though.
3. ... Should I ask, "What baby?"*
4. This is our waiter for the rest of the night, though. 
5. May be easiest just to...

Let it go... let it go...

6. Baby will be here in September.  
7. Yes, I still have about 18 weeks to go. 
8. Please don't look that surprised.
9. We don't know if it's a girl.
10. You're almost the first one to say girl; most people are guessing 'boy.'
11. Ah, yes, the science of personal anecdotes; you carried "like a basketball," and it was boy.
12. And I'm "bump all over and out to the sides"... because that remark was absolutely necessary.
13. Thank you for the expressive, expansive gestures that indicate the size and shape of my body at the moment.
14. I don't ever look in a mirror or walk past reflective surfaces, and I desperately need to be able to mime a description of myself to others.
15. *Shrug*. Could be.
16. You do realize that the odds are 50/50?
17. I know several people who had multiple children and carried differently every time, regardless of whether the babies were the same sex or different.
18. Although when I spun counterclockwise seven times, walked backward through an open kitchen door, and sprinkled salt on my head, my wedding ring didn't fall off. 
19. That definitely puts the odds at about 70/30 in favor of a boy.
20. Feel free to stop looking speculatively at my belly.
21. ... Any time now.
22. I guess it could be a big boy? 
23. Did I really just hear that?  Having... trouble...

Letting go... letting go...

24. First of all, according to medical studies done on the subject, boy babies generally grow faster than girls... ?
25. Of course that's still just overall and doesn't necessarily mean anything about my baby in particular or the rate of my own growth. 
26. Because there are other things expanding in there besides the baby, you know.
27. Second of all... I just... really?
28. As far as I can tell, bump size and shape is highly individualistic.
29. Funny enough, many women I know who have been pregnant or given birth recently tell me I look "small" or "about like they did" at 22 weeks.  
30. OK, OK, so it's often qualified by, "Maybe that's just relative to your boobs."
31. Still, sometimes I get the vague impression that many people who are further removed from the pregnancy stage or haven't been pregnant either forget or don't know, respectively, how much bigger women can look throughout pregnancy. 
32. And not because they're "gaining too much weight" either.
33. I mean, when you gain 25-35 pounds (on average) and most of that weight is (frequently) concentrated around one's middle, what do people expect?
34. So... I guess I probably could look larger to other people than I feel like I look.
35. Which... is fine... 
36. It really ought to be fine.
37. My doctor is pleased with how everything is going.
38. Baby looked great on the scan.
39. That's what ultimately matters.
40. I just... Mr. Nerd, you wouldn't say I look like I'm about to give birth any minute now, would you?
41. All right, I look pregnant; that wasn't the question.
42. This isn't a trick question.
43. See, I didn't think so either.
44. What does "definitely pregnant" mean, though?
45. "Like there's a tiny human growing inside you"... Well, yes, I know that's what pregnancy is.
46. Of course because of that I'd be concerned if I wasn't getting any bigger.
47. Well, no... I don't know what I "think I should look like."
48. So I look "like a mommy"?
49. But what does that mean!?
50. Thank you, thank you.
51. "Beautiful" is just what I needed to hear.**



*It has really only been in the past two weeks that I've started getting congratulations and comments from complete strangers, and this is always my first instinct. Even though in general I don't think people ought to comment about a pregnancy unless the woman brings it up first, I'm not confrontational enough in real life to say or do things that make others uncomfortable, even when they make me uncomfortable. It's something I need to work on. Of course, I'm not sure whether that will become more tempting over time, what with 18 weeks left to go and all... !
**While in a perfect world, we would never need external validation, it is OK to have a sincere compliment make you feel better.

To Whom Does Mom's Body Belong, Anyway?

OK, I admit it. I'm a sucker for click-bait, and I often give in to morbid curiosity about comments on online articles, despite more sensible people's (understandable, needed) warnings of "DON'T READ THE COMMENTS!" Heck, I even give that warning sometimes, because... well, usually because I did and became increasingly horrified and disgusted and don't want others to have the same experience.

So when pictures of moms post-baby surface online, I usually end up looking at them. I have gotten to the point that I wouldn't compare myself to any of these women, because I know no one has the same body experience during pregnancy/postpartum. I end up looking at them because I actually love the variety, the individual differences between the people who have all just performed a similar biological function... with vastly different but perfectly natural and normal results. I find all of their pictures lovely, whether the women still look similar to how they looked when pregnant or seem to have lost every pound they gained the moment they gave birth. I abhor the headlines, which are often meant either to celebrate women who have slender postpartum bodies and shame ones who don't, or to somehow tell the world that the only way to prove your body's worth after baby is to have more weight and more stretch marks... but the women themselves? All gorgeous.

What I don't understand at all is when a mom takes a picture of herself or has someone else take a picture of her pregnant/postpartum/when she has been a mom for a time, puts it "out there," and then has her body and lifestyle completely picked apart by The Photo Vultures* who can apparently gauge the character, emotions, and child-rearing skill of a woman from a mere photograph. I don't understand when she is told that she's a bad mom or bad person for sharing pictures. That she's narcissistic because of it.** That she should be keeping herself to herself because she's Now A Mommy.

Pregnant in a bikini before going swimming... 

and the only point I'm trying to make here is that

it's still my body and shouldn't be a big deal, 

but somehow to society... it is?

Put the camera down and actually spend time with your child! We don't care if she's napping or he's at Grandma's house or another parent/guardian is reading to them; you should be staring at the baby every moment of every day. ... Do you even care if your baby is sticking his finger in the electrical socket in the with a plastic bag over his head? Because obviously you put him down on the floor amid a barrage of safety hazards just out of the shot so you could take this "selfie." And put some clothes on in that picture, for goodness sake! Think of what might happen if your newborn son sees you in such skimpy clothes on the internet when he's a teenager. You have stretch marks? We applaud you, oh incredible embodiment of womanhood...  now why do we care, again? By the way, your top has a stain on it. At our house, we actually prefer to be clean. And why is your hair done? Why do you not have under-eye circles? You must not be tending to your child like the rest of us if you can look that energetic. Oh, wait, that's right; you're too busy taking pictures.***

Here's the thing, everyone: a mom's body is still very much her own when she's pregnant and after having children.****  It might nourish, carry, or soothe, but it does not actually belong to her child. If it did, there would be another name for it: the child's body. I'm not saying that for many women it doesn't feel like their bodies aren't their own, especially early on. Those are valid feelings--everyone is entitled to their own feelings about their bodies--but those feelings don't actually make her body their or anyone else's property.

In summary...

A mother's body does not belong to her children.

A mother's body does not belong to the general public even when exposed to the general public; it should be shown or covered up as she sees fit and not as strangers see fit.

A mother is not narcissistic or necessarily trying to "prove" anything when showing her body and being proud of it, whatever state it is in.**

A mother's body does not need to look a certain way to validate her motherhood.

A mother's body should never be called a source of potential embarrassment to her children as if the body she was somehow "allowed" to display on college spring break suddenly becomes unsuitable for viewing after having kids... because no bodies are shameful.*****

A mother's body is her own.

A mother's body is beautiful.





NB: I do not in any way think that women who adopt, use surrogates, foster, or otherwise have/raise children are not mothers.  And I don't think motherhood a woman makes, either.  I suspect some posts here will be geared toward women who have given or will give birth, but please know that they are never meant to be "othering" to women who can't, haven't, or won't, and I hope those women can take something from the posts as well.  

*Copyright TACN, 2015. 
**Narcissism is an actual mental disorder that affects ~1% of the population.  Narcissistic people often have various, sometimes severe difficulties in daily life because of their intense self-focus.  Using the term merely to describe being proud of features or accomplishments is... well... it's rather ignorant.  
***JUST IN CASE... this entire paragraph = sarcasm.
****With pregnancy in this sentence, I am speaking from a purely emotional standpoint; I am not making any claims or arguments about the physical relationship between a woman and an embryo/fetus.  If you want to discuss "personhood" or abortion, --this is not the forum in which to do so--.  Thanks in advance for staying on topic.
*****And let's not get into how sexist/presumptuous it is to say, "Think of what your future children might think!" when viewing those spring break photos in the first place.  Not. All. Women. Want. Children. OK?

Pregnancy & Body Image Inner Dialogue #2: Growing Pains.

1. What? What? Have I overslept?  
2. Why am I awake at 2:46?  
3. Oof... oh, that's why.
4. Can anyone sleep through round ligament pain?
5. If I went back to sleep, I can't imagine the nightmares it could cause.
6. Don't think about Alien.  Don't think about Alien.
7. Too late.
8. Ugh, now I need to use the bathroom.
9. It took ages to find this comfortable sleeping position, though.
10. Could I just hold... no, no, bad idea, I know I need to go.
11. How many times will this be?
12. Four; it'll be four.
13. Remember, this is your body's way of preparing you for little sleep in the future.
14. You know, I'd really prefer my body just allow me to sleep all night while I still can.
15. Now back to the get-to-sleep gymnastics, I guess...
16. Woah, is that me in the mirror?
17. Did this baby decide to make itself even more visible overnight?
18. Ahem, hello in there, do you think you could get larger than my boobs by 7:30?
19. I'd be much obliged.
20. And I have to put nice clothes on Sunday.
21. So if you could just go ahead and lift yourself above my belly button by this weekend?  Y-yeah...

22. Because right now this is looking more kangaroo pouch than anything.
23. ... Aw, baby kangaroos in pouches.
24. Focus.
25. No, not on that freaky blue vein, on going back to bed.
26. Hmm, let's just see if I have any new stretch marks, though.
27. I could have sworn all that tugging would have resulted in fifty more, but still just the old ones.
28. What if I'd found new ones?
29. I probably wouldn't have been happy about it.
30. And truthfully, I'm not even sure why I'd be unhappy about it.
31. Again, it's not like I think they look bad on other people or aren't perfectly normal.
32. I think I've just seen... me... in the mirror for so long.
33. And this is me and someone else.
34. ... Figuratively and literally.
35. Not that I ever exactly came to terms with "me" in the first place, but I was used to it.
36. Sometimes I don't feel like I can fully accept my body as it is knowing that it will change.
37. If I could just know where I'd end up, at least...
38. Would that help, though?
39. And wouldn't that take away something from this experience?
40. Pregnancy is change.
41. Shouldn't each change be celebrated as a new milestone?
42. It's no wonder you change so quickly when there's a rapidly growing human being in there.
43. At least this ginormous maternity pillow helps out with the sway-back changes.
44. ... I wish it weren't quite so ginormous.
45. Prepare to witness some high-skill maneuvering as I manage to stay on one side of the bed.
46. ... Yeah, no, still a noob.
47. Sorry, Mr. Nerd, didn't mean to disturb you.
48. Ah, there we go.
49. This position isn't too bad.
50. Maybe I can even get back to sleep by 3:30.
51. Now, if my stomach would stop doing... what is that?
52. That doesn't even feel like my stoma...
53. Wait... 
54. Is that...?
55. OK, I'm actually shaking you so that you'll wake up now, Mr. Nerd.
56. MR. NERD WAKE UP THE BABY IS...
57. ... oh, no...
58. ... making me need to pee again.



TACN's Note: These won't be every week, but getting my inner dialogues out is cathartic, and it's entertaining when I look back on them, so I hope they're at least somewhat enlightening and enjoyable! Now, some of these dialogues might not seem related to body image, but what I'm discovering through this process is that, at least for me, it's often difficult to separate the shock at sudden new changes, how your body feels, and how your body actually looks. When you're tired, or feel like your sides are being tugged in two directions at once, or your feet are aching, or you've developed varicose veins overnight, or you see something in the mirror that is legitimately different than what you saw three days ago, sometimes it's just hard to look at yourself and think, "I look great." If you're having difficulty saying it for yourself, here you go:

You--yes, you--look great.

Pregnancy & Body Image Inner Dialogue #1: Choosing a Maternity Swimsuit.

1. Dang, I think I could fit maybe 1/4 a boob in that boob... pouch... thing... there.
2. Those bottoms seem awfully narrow in the back for any sort of maternity suit.
3. If I bought a larger size, though, a bump would probably push them down.  
4. Saggy swimsuit bottoms are so annoying.
5. I know why the top is so long, but for a while that material is just going to bunch up.
6. ... Geez, apparently all pregnant women want tankinis.
7. Do most pregnant women want tankinis?
8. Do they actually want tankinis, or do they buy them because they're widely available?
9. Yes, I know they're good alternatives for people who would normally wear or want one-pieces.
10. Huh, there are some one pieces on here.  
11. That seam is not going under my bustline.
12. ... My collarbone doesn't need lift and support, thanks.
13. Could they at least make more maternity active suits?
14. Don't many doctors recommend swimming as a good form of exercise during pregnancy?
15. You'd think that would mean more options.
16. Let's look at full-bust brand tankinis and one piece suits.
17. And I thought too long would be frustrating... that top is going to ride up something awful.
18. This one won't allow for stomach growth if I get it in a size that would support my chest.
19. You know, really, wet material on my stomach does not sound like fun right now.
20. I'm only 16 weeks along, can I wear a bikini now? 
21. Will people stare at my wobbly belly when there's still so much early pregnancy bloating?
22. ... Actually, that makes wet material sound even worse.
23. Besides, a lot of pregnant women wear bikinis.
24. I've always thought pregnant women look awesome in them.
25. Do I look pregnant enough to wear one, though?
26. ... Well that attitude is sort of silly. 
27. Saying "When I look pregnant enough..." is like saying "When I lose enough weight..."
28. That time might never come, especially mentally speaking.
29. I mean, I don't think people need to lose weight to wear bikinis.
30. But what if I'm one of those people who develops a ton of varicose veins or stretch marks?
31. ... I've never thought people needed to cover those up either.
32. You know, I wouldn't think or say about others any of the things I think or say about myself.
33. I'd be appalled at anyone who thought this way about other people.
34. Why do I do it to myself?
35. I could buy a nice supportive bikini top.
36. It might get too small eventually, but it wouldn't have to keep up with my stomach AND boobs.
37. And my stomach wouldn't feel itchy with all the clinging.
38. And I'd likely actually swim, because I'd physically be more comfortable.
39. Sure, I might be somewhat self-conscious.
40. Because the truth is, there are people who judge others wearing swimsuits.
41. Often it's because they judge themselves so harshly.
42. That's kind of sad.
43. But whatever the reason, their judgment isn't my problem.
44. Other people's judgment is a reflection on them, not on me.
45. I think all bodies are bikini bodies.
46. ... So mine should be too, right?
47. Not just pre-pregnancy when I was slimmer.
48. Not whenever the bloating goes down.
49. Not when I'm sporting an obvious baby belly.
50. Not when I lose weight postpartum.
51. Not when I've gone to the gym enough to tone up after birth.
52. Right. Now.
53. -Add to cart. Add to cart.-
54. -Enter billing.  Enter shipping.-
55. And... done.  My body is now a bikini body.

If I Should Ever Have a Son.

The other day, after scrolling through Facebook and various other blogs and online articles and reading some horrifyingly misogynist comments, I had the rather daunting realization that if I ever have a son, I will be at least in part responsible for many of his attitudes about girls and women.  The following is what I would want him to know.  

Dear Son,

You're coming into the world with an advantage.  It's an unfair advantage, and it's simply that you are a man.  People will pay you more for your work.  People outside of school and work (and sometimes even at school and work) will be less likely to comment on your choice of clothing. They will be more inclined to treat your anger, sadness, or joy as valid and not as the result of a hormonal mood swing. Some will even tell you that as a man, you are entitled to authority.  As a man, you aren't.  You will encounter your own set of problems and challenges in life, but please listen to me when I say that they are separate from the overwhelming systematic sexism that women face every day.

Being born into such privilege as described above shouldn't make you feel guilty--everyone knows that you didn't come into the world thinking you deserve more than anyone else--but not recognizing it or making any effort to change the prevailing mentality... well, that should.  I hope you will earn most of your achievements and rewards by working hard and respecting those around you.  Some good fortune might fall into your lap because you are lucky or because you possess innate talent.  That's great.  But again, you wouldn't deserve it because you're a man. You wouldn't deserve bad luck because of that, either, and I never want you to think that men should "atone" for misogyny by groveling, worshipping, being downtrodden, or experiencing hatred and discrimination themselves. That's misandry and not any better than misogyny.

I want you to grow up understanding that you should respect everyone.  I also want you to understand that this does not mean you should be blind to any of their differences.  Human beings are diverse creatures.  Why should we pretend otherwise?  Celebrate it.  Marvel at variety. And when I say appreciate everyone, I include women.  This might be a more difficult one for you. Not because I don't believe you're capable of treating women with respect, but because you will be surrounded by subtle... and sometimes not so subtle... implications that women are beneath you or indebted to you.  Women don't have to act a certain way for you.  They don't have to cater to you.  Nothing you do, nothing you are, will ever merit a woman altering her appearance or sleeping with you.   Treating a woman nicely or lavishly does not earn you a place in her heart, home or bed.  On the other side of the coin, if you've had a pleasant dinner with a woman and she pays for it, you don't owe her anything more than a sincere "thank you," either.  My hope is that you'll be the type of person who might, on another occasion, treat her in kind and pay for the next meal, but that isn't a requirement.

All women will differ from individual to individual. You might find that you develop preferences. You might like girls who play sports.  You might find yourself drawn to blue eyes.  These preferences do not devalue the women who don't meet them.  If you meet women without stretch marks or cellulite, it isn't a sign that they are somehow better than other women. I will say that while marks and such shouldn't be considered flaws--the overwhelming majority of women of all shapes and sizes have them--you aren't required to find them sexy or appealing, just as a woman isn't required to find innocuous parts of your body sexy or appealing.  If you do, that's not a problem.  But they never merit disgust or teasing or even remarking upon if you don't.  How you would feel if a girl constantly told you how much better you'd look if you had less knobbly knees or shorter toes?  I suspect you'd try to avoid such an unpleasant person.  I wouldn't want that for you.

Finally, let me get this out of the way before the end: Puberty.  It happens.  For girls, this usually means breasts, periods, and raging hormones.  For boys, this usually means voice changes, facial hair, and raging hormones. Note that I said "raging hormones" twice; it isn't just you.  Never make someone feel embarrassed or ashamed of simply growing up.  I trust that you and other boys and girls are capable of communicating if and when you are all right with looking or touching. With that said, it's wrong for girls to make you feel uncomfortable by laughing at your voice cracking or touching you without permission.  It's wrong for you to make them uncomfortable by staring at their bodies or teasing them when they get their periods or touching them without permission.  You all might do these things without thinking sometimes; the main thing to remember is when you notice that you're doing it and it's making others seem uncomfortable, stop. And of course, if they ask you to stop, stop.  Please also remember that silence is never an invitation.  Oh, and by the way, you don't have to go around talking about periods, but they aren't "gross" or "freakish."  They allowed you to be here in the first place.

It's true that as your mother, I will probably hold you in higher esteem than others.  But I will not value you any more highly because you're my son rather than my daughter.

I love you,
Mom

The Trouble With Strapless. (A Rant.)

I understand that clear bra straps aren't truly invisible, but what I didn't expect to find when I Googled them, hoping to find pictures of them actually worn with clothing (seriously, are there any?), were lengthy message boards about the "ugliness" and "unacceptability" of bra straps showing, period.  I'm tired of the stigma.

Image from lanebryant.com

Nope, Lane Bryant, this isn't a picture of 

"clear bra straps under a dress."

I understand that there are a variety of strapless bras available in the full-bust market.  But even if they work very well for some women, others still won't be able to get much lift or a very good shape from them.  Some women will not have the time to find one that really works if they have to go to an event.  Some women are hesitant to spend so much money on an undergarment they might only wear once (strapless bras are usually more expensive for the full-busted).  And I'm tired of being told, "But they make strapless bras in your size!" as if their mere existence means that I can wear them without any problem.

Because darn it, I really do need the straps.  Bust room is usually provided in a certain area, waistlines are assumed to be here, armholes are just here, and if your chest doesn't remain within certain limits, a garment might not fit right.  For me, even though many come in my size range, I've never had a strapless bra keep me within those limits.*

<--Provided bust room

<--Where bust sits in strapless bra

 

... Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

Image from target.com

On these snarky message boards about bra straps showing, I'd often read, "That is just so tacky!" And on more than one occasion, this sentiment was followed by, "I'd suggest an adhesive bra if you have to wear something more revealing."  Perhaps all of this just caught me in a bad mood, but it royally ticked me off.  I couldn't help but think that if I currently have trouble finding decent strapless bras at a fairly common full-bust size, imagine how women with larger breasts must feel when confronted with this sort of "advice."  Basically, what I see when I read this type of comment is: Choose to wear things that cover your bra straps, or I'll judge you and talk about you behind your back.  And if you have to wear a particular style for a party/formal/wedding/etc., you can get something with inadequate support/poor shape and likely feel less attractive in it than your less-busty companions.  (Oh, and by the way, I'll probably judge you for the way your breasts look in it, too.) 

And let me tell you about my last adventure with an adhesive bra.  I was 18 and going to prom, and because I wanted to fit in--I'm not saying this was a good or mature choice--I just had to get the cute low-backed spaghetti-strap dress.  I ended up with a Nu-Bra and a good four, maybe five feet of duct tape trying to get it to hold me up and make everything look halfway decent.  I was hot and uncomfortable, and whenever my date (Mr. Nerd. Yes, he remembers this.) would bump into me, there was a dull, hollow thudding sound like rapping on cardboard box. Also, taking that sucker off hurt.  

Seeing how some people make clothes out of it nowadays,

I should have just made an entire dress out of the stuff.

I do adhere to situation-specific guidelines.  I don't wear a strappy top to someone's family event if I know the family is on the more conservative side.  I try to be respectful of any cultural observations. But I'm not OK with discounting an entire subset of clothing because someone is going to get into a tizzy over visible bra straps.  I think that attitude is, well, tacky.  And adhesive bras are great for some people.  But just as I wouldn't go around saying, "Taking supplements is tacky!  I'd suggest changing your diet," to all and sundry**, please, please don't go around recommending them as as cure-all for people's strapless ailments.  

They're not.  Trust me. 

*Except the strapless basque under my wedding dress, which had to be altered along with my dress, which was a custom item itself.  But I'm not willing to do that every time, for obvious reasons.

**"Well, if your child just has to be anemic, then I'd suggest more spinach." 

Your Body Can't Be Reduced to Statistics.

Sometimes I look at the search queries that lead to my blog just for kicks.

an ark with most busty women
... Are most busty women in an ark?  Are the most busty among them in an ark?  The ark is a lie.

bulky busty nude boobs blogspot
... It's oddly specific but somehow still vague.

nerd boobs
... I think I mentioned on Facebook that my boobs have an honorary Ph.D. in Awesomeness.

fashionablygeek.com

Not even remotely close to my size, but... but... 

curvy woman. stocking. youtube.
... blogspot.  youtube.  different.

young firm busty eee woman
... I am very disturbed by this. "EEE" isn't a bra size.

actress boobs bra py
...  Py... thons?  Py... lons?  Py... ramids?

Maybe?

busty and don't know it
... You... don't?

busty christian women
... We do, in fact, exist.  We're also a group of people, not a fetish.

tessmunster.tumblr.com/

<3 Tess Munster.

But my main search term isn't one of these ridiculous queries which I suspect are hastily typed in search of websites quite different from my blog.

It's average size of a woman.

This depresses me, because I can guess what many of these people are trying to find.  I imagine there are legitimate reasons for looking this up, but I expect most often, they are trying to validate themselves.  People seem to balk at being called "average" in everyday life.  But being near the average in terms of weight/size seems to make many people feel... comfortable.  More secure.  And this bothers me.  If you are near the average weight for your height, and you feel good about your body, that's great.  That's not what I'm talking about.  It's when you feel good about it because you're near the average that a problem arises.  "Average" is just a statistical quantification.  By its very definition, 50% of people are below average and 50% of people are above average.  "Average" says nothing about the worth of someone's body.

Let's put aside the health trolls, the weight-loss supplement advertisements, the diet plans, and take a moment to stop focusing on "the norm" or "health" or "body ideals" and focus on how incredible it is to be unique.  Even the people who are near average in terms of weight have individual shapes, scars, freckles... the list goes on.   None of us, including identical siblings, is exactly alike.

You are the only person on Earth who looks like you.

And that is amazing.

Settling for Less: Why Busty Women Might Not Take the Options Provided to Them.

The sweater I'm wearing is gorgeous.  It's a bright, cheerful, royal blue.  It's extremely soft.  It is thick enough to be warm but thin enough not to add bulk when belted.  It's long enough.  It is perf... actually, no.  It isn't perfect.  My arms look like they begin on the sides of my breasts, because the sides are pulled so far forward.  When I twitch them back into position under my arms, the sweater doesn't even come close to closing.  Yet I wear it anyway.  I would say that my wardrobe is mainly composed of clothes with at least one glaring fit issue that I try to ignore.  If I didn't have other options, this would be fine.  But why do I and many women with larger busts still settle for items that are just OK when we have options like these?

The light blue lines indicate the (approximately) correct positions of the arm and side seam.

The red lines show where they are.

First, there's the act of shopping itself.  Going to a store and trying on clothes can be fun. Feeling the fabrics, actually seeing the colors, being able to take five different sizes into a dressing room... there are definite lures to brick-and-mortar stores.   And because most women don't live near a store that stocks an extensive size range of full-bust bras or clothing brands, they end up at local malls, boutiques, and department stores.  That isn't to say that you can't find great pieces at those places, but for many women the experience (and for some, the immediate gratification!) is the draw.  It's tempting to settle.

Then there's the fact that online shopping can be tedious for busty women.  A number of stores catering to that demographic are either in the UK or in Poland.  This is convenient for much of Europe but not so convenient for other locations (the words "Free Worldwide Shipping!" now have the power to make me teary-eyed).  So they have to order multiple sizes or take a gamble and hope for the best, go through the hassle of returning items or trying to sell whatever doesn't fit, and that process often costs them more money than anticipated.

I wish the excitement when one of these arrives at the door wasn't tempered 

by the fear of returns.

There's a second cost-related issue. I'm almost sure that many people, like me, prefer having a certain amount of money in their accounts at all times for emergencies/bills/etc. So I've always wondered if online retailers could have an option as follows: if you are ordering one bra in multiple sizes, you can pay for only one, but if the other sizes aren't returned in X amount of time, your PayPal/credit card/other account will then be charged.  I am not a store owner/CEO/have never made decisions regarding corporate logistics, so I don't know if that or a similar setup is feasible, but I would be less hesitant to make purchases online if something like it were implemented. There are many extremely helpful online retailers who might help you figure out ways to reduce costs, but wouldn't it be great if this were a standard option?

Money aside, I also have to wonder if there are deeper, more emotional reasons that women might be reluctant to purchase D+ lingerie and clothing.  I know there are for me.  When I don't like how a shirt, dress or sweater fits my bust and say so, I often get responses like:

"Most people don't have clothes that fit perfectly."
"You're just too picky."
"But it looks good everywhere else.  Can't you just ignore that?" or
"That's such a first world problem. Just be glad you have clothes."

Let me address the last of these first: I am glad that I have clothes. I am very lucky to have them. Just because I get frustrated by the fit of clothes and bras doesn't mean that these frustrations aren't, in the scheme of things, quite trivial.  But clothes and bras that fit make me happy.  I think it's OK to be happy about trivial matters sometimes and not to feel guilty about that happiness, as long as you ultimately keep your problems in perspective.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glii-kazad8

This video doesn't pertain to any major societal issue, 

but can you not smile?  Can you?

As for the other responses, it's as if people are saying, She obviously thinks she's some super special snowflake because of her body type; can't she just buy clothes from normal stores like the rest of us? All right, so I don't actually know that they're thinking this.  But to the people who dole out these comments on a regular basis, please remember that this is what it can sound like to the recipient. Yes, almost all women have body parts that are difficult to fit, and settling isn't necessarily always bad, but at least acknowledge the exasperation that occurs when the same fit issues are encountered over and over again.

Especially when someone has an area that she is particularly self-conscious about, shrugging off her concerns or making her feel self-absorbed for bringing it up can feel like a slap in the face.  Oh, you mean you've struggled with that part of yourself your whole life?  Well, too bad; no one else cares!  Because of this, I sometimes think other people unconsciously encourage busty women to settle for clothes that they would otherwise not buy.  So when shopping with someone who doesn't like how something fits around the bust... or on the hips or waist or thighs or wherever... don't lightly dismiss those feelings or try to talk her into buying something she might not enjoy wearing; instead, be sympathetic and help her find something that she feels great in.

Have you ever settled when it comes to clothing?  Did other people have any influence on your decision? I would love to hear if anyone thinks there are other reasons that women with larger chests might settle for less than what is available to them!


*Edit* I've decided to start adding reasons as readers suggest them, because I know there are others that I have forgotten or never thought of.  Please let me know if you do not want your comment name displayed (if I get what appear to be real names, I will abbreviate them anyway :-) ), and I will change it!

- AE brings up the great point that some types of clothing are just not available from large bust brands, particularly heavier winter sweaters and coats (companies: hint hint).  


- Chiharu writes that it is difficult to find items if you want something fashion-forward/less vintage inspired.

- A Sophisticated Pair weighed in on the "ordering a few sizes" issue: You'd essentially have to double or triple your inventory in order to support the potential for customers to be ordering way more than they plan on keeping. So you'd have to worry about stock on hand as well as what stock would need to be replenished. It's not an easy prospect, but I can see the appeal for the consumer.  (Thanks for the input!)

- Anonymous says that shipping is still a hassle in other parts of Europe, and bra band sizes are still rarely seen below a 32 (and especially 30) there.

#DiversityInLingerie: We Need More Representative Samples.

This post is part of a larger movement of various bloggers using the hashtag #DiversityInLingerie.  See June's post on Braless in Brasil to get involved/see a list of everyone participating!

To say that I look like a typical lingerie model would be a stretch... I look like one minus a few inches in height, plus a few pounds, plus a handful of scars and stretchmarks and other features that the media would call "imperfections," but I just call "me."  But my skin color, age group, and body type are still much more ubiquitous in the lingerie industry than those of many other women.  I think this needs to change.

Of course there are women who are in the 18-30 range, white (but usually tan!), tall, and very slender, with ample chests, no blemishes, and no cellulite.  These women certainly have a place in magazines, trade shows, and on runways.  Their bodies are equally valid, equally beautiful, equally deserving of attention.  But they don't constitute a representative sample of all women, yet the lingerie industry uses these models for the vast majority of work and/or airbrushes women to look like they have all of the features listed above.  Why?  Do an image search for "lingerie model" (remember to set content filters for this if you need to!), and you'll find that if a woman doesn't meet all of the above criteria, she stands out.  Even in plus-size lingerie modeling, there is a "standard" look: smooth, unmarked skin and an hourglass shape.

There are companies that try to break out of the mould; Curvy Kate uses "regular" (re: who haven't modeled before) women to model their lingerie and doesn't airbrush away every lump and bump.  You! Lingerie used pregnant models at New York's Fashion Week.  There are far more non-white models out there than there were- though I'd love to see more.  But we still have quite a way to go before the industry is truly representative.  Do 50-year-olds not buy lingerie?  Do people in wheelchairs not buy lingerie?  Do people with c-section or surgery scars not buy lingerie (that actually shows their scars)?  Of course they do!  And guess what?  Using someone with any of these attributes to market lingerie will not make me- someone who fits the "mould" to some degree at least- hesitate to purchase it.

Dear lingerie industry:

I don't need to see lingerie on a certain type of figure to be convinced to buy it, even if it is nice to see figures like mine out there. I actually don't even need to see it on a model who "looks like me." I'm much more inclined to spend my money on lingerie when it is modeled by someone who looks comfortable and happy (and, with bras, preferably well-fitted!). Sex appeal can be used, but I associate it more with a mindset than a particular appearance, and I actually don't appreciate you guessing what I find "sexy" in order to sell me a pair of knickers*, because attraction is very individualized. I would love to see more lingerie models of different ages and body types, with any marks on their bodies, of different races/ethnic backgrounds, or with disabilities. I think you'll find that a lot of women agree with me.

Sincerely,

The Absurd Curvy Nerd

*"But it's what's sexy to men/significant others that drives sales!" doesn't hold with me either.  I haven't seen anyone really trying to use more variety and gauging its effectiveness.  Also, I know many, many people find their partners just as sexy with (if not because of) all their unique qualities and supposed "flaws."

I Want to Be Your Derivative*: Orchard Corset's CS-411.

After months of looking longingly at the selection of corsets on Orchard Corset's website, I sold a few clothing items and suddenly had a bit of extra spending money (isn't that an awesome feeling?).  I did a lot of research- apparently not quite enough, as you'll see later- and decided on a size 22 in a black pinstripe CS-411 style underbust corset.  

Ordering was easy, the free shipping (same day if you order by 6 PM EST) was a nice perk, and the package arrived only two days after I made the order. That was very impressive considering the estimated time of arrival was a week later.  In my haste to actually see the corset, I forgot to take a picture of how it came. It was neatly rolled up in tree-printed tissue paper with a sticker holding it together.  It also came with an order/return form, detailed instructions about how to put on, lace, wear, and care for your corset, two business cards with a discount code for a future purchase, and a nice touch- a signed customer appreciation card.  I never needed to contact them, but I have heard nothing but good things about their customer service, and the attention to detail alone was impressive.

The instructions were very thorough, but if you can't find some information,

you can often find it on their website or blog.

My first reaction upon unrolling the corset was panic.  It just looked so tiny.  I couldn't ever fit into that!  I breathed a bit easier when I realized that it came fully bi-directionally laced... and completely laced shut.  I already knew I would have to wear it with a gap in the back.  Phew!  The materials felt durable and the corset seemed sturdy and well-made.  If you're looking for a more in-depth review of the actual corset construction, there is an excellent one on Lucy's Corsetry.

I've had some trouble when lacing getting the modesty panel smooth and centered,

but I don't think I'd feel comfortable without it.

Despite wanting to put it on immediately, I made myself unlace it and follow the lacing directions so that I would know how to do it in the future.  Then I made myself carefully read the instructions sheet.  Then I put it on (albeit loosely, basically just resting on my waist- see picture below) and thought, "Huh.  I guess I overestimated how curvy my body is."  As you can see, the corset flared out and left gaps at the hips and at the underbust. The fact that this made me think there was something wrong with my body rather than shrugging it off as a garment simply not being right for me is a sad testament to the way women are conditioned to think about themselves.  So I want everyone to say it with me: clothes should fit you; you shouldn't fit the clothes.  

Keep in mind that in these pictures, the corset isn't paired with outfits,

just what I wear it with around the house. 

It turns out that the curve of this corset makes it more like a Level 3 in Orchard Corset's "silhouette level" system, even if it is labeled Level 2, and I probably should have read their blog post about that issue.  I had ordered assuming that it was made for moderate/enhanced Level 2 curves: while my hips at their fullest point measure about 10.5/11" more than my waist, my upper hip where a standard-length corset would sit is only 8" larger.  I wondered if I should send it back.  I knew that you should never over-tighten or pull in too much when breaking in a corset, so I decided to give it a chance and see what happened once it molded to my body and I could close it a bit further.  I wore it for about 1.5 hours a day for a week and then reassessed my original conclusions.  And boy, am I glad I did:

Yes, it's almost impossible to take a picture of your own back without a mirror.

Also, I guess I never notice how square and minimizing the Masquerade Rhea is from the side

because of the view from the top :-).  

I love it!  It certainly forces me to correct my posture, which is great, because my posture is dreadful.  There is indeed a slightly V-shaped gap in the back, but nothing very noticeable.   If you have larger hips than I do, it might be worth searching other sites that have corsets with gored hips or larger hip pockets.  Most of Orchard Corsets Level 3's- their curviest silhouette level- measure 10-11" (or 11-13" for longlines) more at the bottom edge than at the waist when completely shut.

There are a few other fit issues. I have an average-length torso, and my boobs are set low on my chest, so I suspect I don't have enough distance between bust and hips to accommodate a longline.  This one already pushes my bust up enough, in any case.  So this corset is -about- long enough but is still unfortunately just short enough to create a bit of upper back and lower tummy bulge.  I suspect this could be ameliorated with smoothing shapewear, and I've seen some suggestions to wear a bra with a thick band underneath as well. 

Although I haven't yet found one in my size, a longline like

Freya's Just Flew In would probably be ideal.  

Curvy Kate's Tease Me has worked best so far.

Again, I was tempted to blame my body for these (minor!) problems.  Why are my upper back and shoulders so broad?  Why is my stomach so weirdly shaped?  Why don't I have 0% body fat so that this can't happen?  Why don't I fit this corset perfectly?  This was crazy talk. Clothes should fit you; you shouldn't fit the clothes.  I don't buy a hat and then think that my head is somehow "wrong" if the hat squeezes my head but fits someone else just fine. I simply think we might have differently sized or shaped heads!  I shouldn't blame my body for not fitting into certain shirts, or pants, or dresses, or corsets either. 

If I ever have more opportunities to actually wear a corset, I can see investing in a custom-made overbust one.  Even though this is the only corset I've tried, I doubt that I could get a much better or perfect fit in an off-the-rack one.  And that's OK.  It doesn't mean that my body is bad or abnormal if it doesn't fit into OTR clothing, especially such a specialty item. While this one isn't perfect, it's still lovely, comfortable, well-made and wearable, and I would definitely recommend checking out Orchard Corset if you're in the market for an OTR corset.  

* ... What?  You mean women don't usually fall for pickup lines even if they're math-related?

A Rant (or Why The Internet Gets on My Nerves).

*Note: Please bear in mind that I use "she" and "her" throughout this post, but these can easily be exchanged with "he" and "him" (except perhaps in the last section).  Men can and do have body image issues.  Though I still think that the majority of the time, body hate, criticism, and snark in the media are directed at women.*

I think eating healthfully and exercising are great.  Teaching people about the effects of food and exercise on their bodies is perfectly fine- even laudable- as long as you do it in, say, a nutrition or fitness class, use positive language, and then don't judge them if they decide that following your advice is not a priority.  I do believe that any true concern that someone has for another person's health should be relayed face-to-face and not online, through e-mail, Facebook/social media, or texts; in other words, if you are not close to the person you are concerned about, you definitely should not say anything.  I admire anyone who feels unhealthy, wants to make a change, and goes for it, but that is a choice that needs to come from within that person.  I do, however, firmly believe that health and attractiveness can be separate.  If you do not agree, I would encourage you to examine why you place such a high value on the appearance of health in other people.  Why do you give a flying fish what other people look like?

You see, I am officially Fed Up with some of the stupidity on the internet. And so, without further ado, I give you my mini-rants to the writers of and people who comment on body, health, and food articles on the internet.

"She looks like she doesn't take care of herself.  Looking as if she takes care of herself makes a woman attractive."
"Looking as if she takes care of herself" can mean many different things for different people.  For some, that could include having super-defined muscles.  For others, that would mean always having neatly styled hair or having skin that isn't deeply tanned.  The list goes on.  And for some, looking well-groomed/put together/what-have-you actually isn't a factor in determining a woman's attractiveness at all; personality or sense of humor might be key.  So I'm taking a wild guess here: you define "taking care of herself" as doing the same things you do for your own health and happiness.  You're really saying that a woman who has a certain lifestyle appeals to you.  You know what?  That's fine.  Everyone has preferences.  But you're a grown up (hopefully) and should realize that not every woman needs to meet your standards. 

"This isn't about bullying.  It's a health issue. You can sugarcoat it all you want.  Her BMI is too high/low, and that is unhealthy."
Hi there, fat shaming bully!  Your comments are very predictable, you know.  You always insert attacks on other people for "skirting around the facts" or "sugarcoating" or "normalizing" so that you can get readers to subconsciously believe that you are just the Good 'Ole One Who Tells It Like It Is, when you are actually using that phraseology to skirt around the fact that you're being extremely rude and unnecessary.  Let's leave aside the fact that BMI is an unreliable measure of health and pretend like you just said "weight."  I could argue with you all day that weight and health aren't always related. But you probably wouldn't bother processing my words and likely have some ridiculous stock insult prepared for anyone who disagrees with your opinion ("Well you would say that- you're probably fat!" Fabulous argument, there.)  The real question is: Why do you give a flying fish?

"You should NEVER eat this.  Did you see how many calories/how much fat/how much BAD STUFF is in it?"
There is no way to say this politely: get off your high horse.  If you go to most large websites with recipes, I can almost guarantee you that there will be an easy-to-find section with healthy recipes advertised on the main page.  So why not relax and let people talk about the taste of the food instead of using the comment section as a platform to blame other people's (posited) health issues on the mere existence of junk food recipes. It's as if recipes for things like bacon cheeseburgers are magnets for people like you who would never eat them and feel that it is their moral duty to tell others to do the same.  You will say there are foods you simply shouldn't touch with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole and look down your nose at anyone who dares say that they enjoy those foods, even if they only eat them occasionally (by the way, eating better does not make you a better person).  You will say, "Yeah, until you have that heart attack/high cholesterol/BAD STUFF."  Which brings me to...

"Moderation is just an excuse for the lazy/weak-willed."
Please, please let me know about the scientific studies (plural) you've seen that take a group of people who exercise and eat healthfully the majority of the time who have a slice of cheesecake a week, or a McDonald's combo once in a while, or even a bit of ice cream every evening, that finds these (non-elderly, without preexisting conditions) people at a higher risk for health problems.  Or studies that find that these people often keel over from heart attacks after eating one high-calorie or high-fat meal.  I haven't found any yet, and I've looked.  I'm guessing there aren't any. And please don't use something like "Supersize Me" as proof of your point; that was not a documentary about moderation.  Even if some people using this Unholy Recipe actually eat like that, again the question arises:  Why do you give a flying fish?

"You can tell she has had children."

This could just be a simple statement, but you almost always say it derogatorily.  When did this crazy idea that women's bodies need to be exactly the same before and after kids come from?  I admittedly haven't had children yet, but I'm pretty sure pregnancy usually involves growing another freaking human being in your body.  Even the women who come out of the delivery room wearing their pre-pregnancy clothing or who live healthier lives than they did before kids will show some evidence that they had children.  That isn't wrong or ugly.  It just is.  Also...

"I don't want kids because it will ruin my body."

If you truly like your body as it is and don't want it to change; whatever.  I could even support you in that decision, as long as you don't look down on others for not doing likewise.  It is certainly your choice not to have children.  But why are you telling the entire world about it in this particular manner?  Are you looking for validation in your quest not to have stretch marks?  Applause because you won't go through nine months of weight gain?  OK, good for you!  Huzzah!  Better now?  And if you must tell the world about it, just say, "I'm happy with my body the way it is, so I'm not having kids," instead of saying pregnancy would "ruin" it.  You do realize that you're implying that your mother, and her mother before her, and all mothers around the world have bodies that are irreversibly screwed up after having children?  It is rather sickening if you actually believe that.  If other women have gone through pregnancy and labor and as a result have stretch marks, or cellulite, or their skin isn't taut, or they've gained weight, why do you care?

Really, if ANY woman has stretch marks, or cellulite, or her skin isn't taut, or she has gained weight...

Honestly, do I have to keep saying it?

Do you have any comments like these that drive you absolutely bonkers?

If You Have Big Boobs, That Means You're A...

... woman with big boobs.  That's all.  Crazy how that works, isn't it?  Yet everyday I hear stories about women- young and old- getting called names, bullied, shamed, and even touched inappropriately just for having large busts.  I'll only say this once: breast size tells you nothing about a woman's personality or lifestyle.

I recently shared a story from my middle school days on my Facebook page (shameless plug: if you like my blog, go check it out!):

A group of my friends went to a lake house. We had planned to just hang out and perhaps make s'mores there, but a couple of us spontaneously decided to go swimming. Everyone jumped in the lake after them with their clothes on. I did too, without giving it a second thought. As soon as we got out, the mother of one of the boys (whom I'll call "Jane Doe") marched up to me, pulled me aside, and absolutely lit into me, saying that I was "giving these boys the wrong idea" and "this isn't a wet t-shirt contest." I was 13 and among some of my best friends. None of the other girls got this lecture from Jane. I was mortified. 

I was subsequently the only one wearing a one-piece (looked just like this!) at the end-of-year party.

A friend said I was "brave" for going against the grain.

I just thought, "Yeah.  That's what I was going for.  Brave.  

Not 'Cover myself in blue material and hope no one notices me.'"

Having done some growing up since then, I'd like to put down what I wish I would have had the maturity (and sarcasm) to say to Jane:

Dear Jane, 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but... (deep breath)... if your sons are ever out in public, they might end up looking at a girl with large breasts.  Oh, the shock!  The horror!  It's a pretty natural thing for a lot of boys, especially ones going through that wonderful time that is puberty, to do.  Most men do have a genetic predisposition to notice certain things about women, one of which I'm sure is breast size.  That's why you, the parent, teach them self-control.  You teach them that they shouldn't "get the wrong idea"* about a girl because she has a big chest.  You don't imply that there's something wrong with the girl for having it.

Singling me out from other girls at the lake- all of whom also had wet t-shirts at the time, I might add- was wrong.  It made me feel like a freak, which I wasn't.  I was a normal, shy, awkward girl with a larger-than-average chest for my age.  You were basically telling me that because of that chest, my body was relegated to pornographic material.  If you saw it like that, that was your problem and not a problem with my body.  You made me feel ashamed of my body when it's the only one I'm ever going to get.  Doesn't a 13-year-old usually have enough to feel insecure about?

I would say that I'm very sorry that my breasts offended you with their existence, but I'm not.  

Sincerely, 

The Absurd (Now Enjoying Being) Curvy Nerd

*I still think this is a really strange euphemism.  "I thought you were a Gemini," could be the wrong idea.

Women Aren't Required to be Your Idea of "Perfect."

We often hear about how fat shaming is horrible (it is) and how shaming naturally thin women is also horrible (it is).  What isn't addressed as often is the awful reality that we've rapidly become a culture in which no one seems to see a problem with judging women for merely having any type of body.  It isn't just a plus-size vs. model-thin issue.  It isn't just men doing the judging.   I think one problem is that people don't understand when it is and when it is not appropriate to bring up personal preferences, especially online. If you like shorter, muscular women, by all means, date/marry/live with/look at a shorter, muscular woman.  Tell that woman that you appreciate her height and her muscles.

Image from Dove.

Just remember: to compliment one of these women, you don't have to put the others down.

If you don't want to say something positive, you don't have to comment at all.

Posting the comment "I prefer shorter, more muscular women" on a picture of a woman who is tall and not muscular really only sends the message "I think all women need to be what I consider perfect in order to exist."  It doesn't contribute anything meaningful to the conversation, makes you sound just a tad conceited, and you don't gain anything by it, so why make that comment?  If your comeback is "because I can" or "I have the right to express my opinion," please go back and read why I'm tired of people using that as an excuse to be rude, cruel, or offensive.

Let's not pretend that it is only men who see women's bodies as objects to be scrutinized, either.  Women are doing it too.  Women can be even harsher on other women (I get the feeling that this is due to their own insecurities). A woman once asked me what size I wore to get an idea of what size jacket to buy her daughter-in-law.  When I told her that I wore a 2 in the jacket she was holding, but it did pull across the chest, she said, "I can see it might.  You don't look like a 2, though."  Then she proceeded to tell me all about how her own daughter was "petite and slender and wears a 4" and how I was probably wearing the wrong sizes and how bad it looks when people are "too big for their clothes."  I was so taken aback by this woman's need to comment on a stranger's body that I just blinked at her, shrugged and walked away.

Image from: disney.wikia.com.

"Too extremely proportioned"

"Weird small feet"

"Need less makeup."

We even judge imaginary women now.

A coworker later said that I "shouldn't complain about it, because I was so tiny and Jacket Lady probably meant that I looked smaller than a 2."  I was startled, firstly because I certainly hadn't intended to complain. I was laughing about it: Had I missed the memo reminding everyone about "National Judge Others by Arbitrary Numbers Day"?  In my closet, I have clothes in five different sizes!  Who on earth fits into one size in every store?!  Secondly, because shouldn't women of any size and shape be able to complain about complete strangers commenting on their appearance without being dismissed?!  The mere fact that another woman was shrugging it off made me incredibly sad and more than a little upset when I reflected on it.  I know that I do not fit everyone's definition of attractive/perfect.  Just because I might fit some people's definition doesn't mean I don't have insecurities, either.  We will never be everyone's ideal.  That's a given.  But it isn't necessary for all of the people who find us less than ideal to tell us that.  Yet somehow it is becoming more and more acceptable for them to do so.

How do we fight this phenomenon?  Well, we can start by not treating it as "to be expected" or "normal."  We can show some female solidarity and not do this to other women.  We can stop accepting the judgment of certain women's bodies if they "open themselves up to it" by wearing certain clothes or by simply being a public figure like many female celebrities.  It is never OK.  It is unacceptable.  And it boggles my mind that some people do not see how incredibly egotistical and awful it is to tell a woman that she is not their idea of perfect.